Workin' on my night sweats

It starts as a sensational warmth travelling upward, beginning all the way down from my feet. The eruption of heat, as it reaches my torso and chest, forcibly wakes me from my sleep and has me wondering if the temperature is too high, or if I've covered myself in too many blankets. Oh right, there is no heat in my house and its brimming on winter. Its not hot in here. I have my usual sleepwear on, it couldn't be that...Oh how I wish it was one of these simplistic rationales.

I fall back asleep eventually, throwing the blanket off my drenched body and changing quietly into dry clothing so I don't set off any alarm bells. "Just roll back into bed and try not to move around too much" I often say to myself, knowing I will soon be up again. We have been through so many scary nights and I didn't want to go back to those, or instil any fear by moving around and showing my discomfort. Within an hour, I am awake again, shivering and cold, putting the blanket back on until the cycle happens again. Usually at least twice a night over the past four weeks. When the alarm rings to pull me out of bed for work, I feel as though I'm already wide awake. Ready for the day at 4am.

Its familiar in some respects, I had night sweats before I started treatment but typically only in my head and neck. These were different and almost expected.

At first, I didn't know if my cancer was back or if I was potentially having chemo related night sweats. I'm not sure what I hoped for, but I what I can say is that at least I now have the answer.

As many of my fellow 36 and 37 year old friends are having babies, I am grieving the loss of this age and stage of life. I've suddenly and intensely entered menopause and undergone premature ovarian failure, due in part to the potent triple chemotherapy that saved my life. Sure, I froze (3) eggs but it doesn't take away the hurt or the fear for whats next. I am uncertain if my body can be a hospitable home to a fetus down the road. I wasn't ready for this and I haven't felt near normal in almost two years. There is no contemplation, no questions for whats happening. The byproduct of menopause from chemo has happened and now I choose how to respond. Like alot of things that have happened to me in my life, there hasn't been time to create a well thought out reaction.

I'm sure that as time passes, I will see the benefit of having these physiologic and psychologic changes at 36 rather than 50 or 53 years old. Maybe. A whole new set of decisions, treatments, drugs and changes await.

#nightsweats #leukaemia #shivering #egpreservation #cancer