Thank you, Cancer.

I've sat with the most amazing and uplifting news for two weeks now. I think I've needed a bit of time and space in order to process and understand that I'm in a complete remission (Yes!) My body, down to my bone marrow, achieved what I hoped and worked for over the past two years, since being diagnosed with CLL/SLL. It is remarkable and amazing for my family, friends and I - but above all, it sheds hope for those directly affected by cancer. There are happy endings following the pain and suffering we endure and it should be celebrated.

I lay on a bed in the ER suffering from an acute airway pathology as the promising words coming from my haematologist were heard in both of my ears - "Tanya, its Dr. Robinson. Your bone marrow is just fantastic. Complete remission. You should have a lengthy remission.." The rest is a bit hard to remember - I had been given multiple medications to alleviate the fevers, stridor and difficulty breathing that had awoken me hours before from my sleep. I lay motionless and almost unaffected even though this was THE news, from THE person I waited to hear it from, following my marrow biopsy two weeks prior. Why couldn't I believe it?

The truth is, it was all very anti-climatic and despite the beauty of the news itself, I was surrounded by a whirlwind of energetic activity while hearing it. Remission wasn't going to be linear but it didn't mean I couldn't rejoice at the thought of being without cancer. Don't get me wrong - I sure was relieved and I think that definitely came before happiness for me.

I've been refuelled with even more faith and optimism; it needs to be shared that not all of us with cancer have a poor outcome. Just like not everyone undergoing chemotherapy will lose their hair, the spectrum of probable outcomes is and was variable. I really didn't know what to expect at any stage and I am still walking in unchartered territory - I like to think of it as trailblazing, in order to keep my spirits up. A guidebook doesn't exist and understandably - how could anyone possibly determine all that's to come, following the news “you have cancer?” It is unpredictable, unreliable and incalculable. It is also incredibly beautiful. (More on that in another blog)

One thing I've realized is that survivors guilt has been a mainstay for me, amidst the shock, happiness, disbelief, relief and gratitude. I'm aware that I'm worthy and deserving of this remission and I don't question why. But, I do dedicate time thinking about those who I have crossed paths with, who didn't or haven’t yet had the same outcomes in their own journeys. I think of Lucas, who died far too young and had so much fight. I think of a fellow colleague who has just had a transplant and I think of another who is having his own debilitating challenges from treatment, second to his blood cancer, as I write this post. I can't possibly celebrate this amazing news of mine without acknowledging all of these individuals (and so many more) and paying my personal tribute. It would feel wrong otherwise.

As life shifts from treatment to recovery, the energetic flow follows. You go from survival mode, to re-discovery. This is on a cellular level and I think its worth paying attention to. You find yourself taking baby steps back toward the person you once knew physically and living less in fear, in order to safely push boundaries and find who you are again. You are constantly learning about the adjustments your body has had to make through treatment to survive and recognizing these as essential shifts. You find yourself wondering how to sediment what the hell just happened.

I've got a whole new level of respect for my body and while I previously functioned at the edge of my own human limits, I now listen and pay due respect to what I am being told from within. If there is one thing (among so many others) that cancer has taught me, it's that I needed to slow down and be kinder to myself. I needed to recognize that vulnerability paralleled courage and strength, that it was ok to ask and accept help when I needed it. These realizations are what I needed, in order to assert balance. These are just a starting point for me moving forward. Although having cancer may have been an extreme way for me to learn these eye opening lessons, it seems appropriate as that was the way I lived my life - to the extreme. 

I've got miles of words I could write, but for tonight, I will end here with praise and acknowledgement. I am SO grateful to be alive and in remission. Life, is beautiful and we can’t let a day go by without remembering how fortunate we are to be here experiencing all the universe will allow. Thank you, Cancer. You enlightened me more than any book, person or podcast could and I'll forever praise our relationship for all it taught me.