Heavy Heart

I imagine that song writers and authors alike have an awareness, as to when they are most creative. As a result, their self perceived greatest ability to produce quality work likely happens during this time. It could be a specific part of the day, like after a morning coffee when ideas are brewing or late at night, when filled with inspiration. Perhaps its a location, a general state of mind, or immediately following a life event. 

I don't actually know for sure, because I don't call myself an author. What I do know, is that some of my best writing takes place when I have a heavy heart. Looking back, I can remember many melancholic situations in life that led me to immediately grab a pen and paper, or more recently, make a note in my phone. Over the past few years, these somber (and sobering) scenarios have occurred often. I don't say that so people will feel sad for me, or so I can be filled with positive pick-me-ups, its just how it is. 

Tomorrow would be my mothers 59th birthday. At this point in my life, I have spent more years without her physically here and that's a bit wild to conceptualize. It feels like another lifetime ago, when I had the gift and privilege of my mother being alive. There are days when I try to imagine what she would look like at the age of 59. As I sat at her grave today, singing Happy Birthday, I envisioned her smiling, looking as happy as I could have ever remembered. Maybe because that was what I hoped for, I do hope she is happy, where ever she is. I have memories of her looking so incredibly youthful because, after all, she passed away at the tender age of 38 years. There are painful (and joyful) moments when I yearn for her guidance, her presence in my life; there are even more circumstances where I find myself wondering how I am going to carry on through this journey, without her here. Despite having done so for the past 21 years (next weekend, to be exact) I can’t help but picture how life could have unfolded, if I had my mother alive.

She was truly a remarkable woman. I won't get into her outstanding achievements or accomplishments (there are numerous), but what I will say is that she taught me more in our 15 years together, than perhaps many individuals learn in a lifetime from their parent. Through her patience, perseverance and kindness, I gained an appreciation for her own struggles with mental illness and the magnitude of effort it took every day to single parent two young girls. 

Not "just single parent" us, but to take great pride and honour in doing so, even when she barely had the energy to get out of bed. She rarely complained, but that doesn't mean she wasn't completely justified in doing so. At the end of the day, we had the utmost respect for her - not only for the ongoing struggles she faced and the honesty in which she carried them, but because she continually reinforced her high expectations for us. No matter what, we were often reminded to avoid placing limitations on ourselves,or what we were capable of accomplishing. 

If it weren't for her vulnerability or openness, in letting us have insight into the lability of her mind, I'm not sure I would have quite learned the value of empathy and love, without judgement. I certainly couldn't have appreciated what she too often endured. Although throughout these days I carry a heavy heart (and mind) for the loss of my mom, my spirit is so beautifully filled with the love I will always have for her. Happy 59th Birthday, Mom. You are always celebrated. 

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