A Fire Within

Initially I had a symmetrical, red rash covering my torso - no big deal. Probably from the heat and humidity, I thought. It had been an exceptionally warm night and I attributed the red markings that were quickly coalescing on my body to heat. Maybe it was a drug reaction, I was on enough drugs for one of those to have a delayed effect...

As the day progressed, things worsened. This wasn't a typical heat rash. It wasn't papular, or raised and the itch hadn't settled in. My pelvic area and buttocks started to mottle, they turned various shades of white and purple. This is...weird. I went to a walk in clinic, looking for relief (piece of mind?) and was told to go get blood work to check my cell counts. I had done this the day before and it wasn't necessary, I told her. At last, I told the flustered walk in physician, I too was a doctor. She asked what I thought would help, what did I think it was? I asked for high dose steroids and left the building. I wanted so badly to be a patient, but should have known better than to access a walk in clinic with my complicated, current medical condition.

I had decided in my mind the day before the rash began that I would fly to Toronto, to be a bridesmaid in my best friends wedding. Knowing at this stage there wasn't more I could do, I boarded the plane, unaware of how things would transpire. I was mid flight, when the itch pronounced itself. I felt like I was crawling out of my skin. I was starting to develop redness all over my limbs. I was scratching uncontrollably. I knew things were progressing and I also knew this wasn't your standard rash.

By the next day things were in full force. I couldn't be exposed to direct sunlight, my skin was on fire, wherever it didn't itch. Clothes sent me scratching uncontrollably and if anything touched my buttocks, including a chair when I tried to sit, I would wince in pain. I really didn't know what to do and now was not the time to complain as I pressed a smile through tears, choosing the shellac colour for the wedding manicure.

I called my hematologist, in a full cry fest. I had never lost my composure like this before. My body was no longer my own, it was taken over by burning fire and lines of reddened rash that would itch from one location to the next. I spent that night trying to sleep on my elbows and knees, too afraid to rest the back of my body on any surface other than in the air. It was absolutely insane and I was suffering. I had never, in my life, felt so vulnerable and powerless.

It was in fact a delayed drug reaction to the high dose antibiotic given to me in hospital the week before, when I had febrile neutropenia. I remained on this drug after discharge and had taken my last dose the day prior. It would be days, maybe weeks, before relief would set in I was told.

For five days I remained on four oral drugs every four to six hours, trying to find relief from my symptoms. Three creams to settle the pain and itch, but time really was the ultimate healer. I had the best day as I stood beside my one of my greatest friends, watching her marry the love of her life. Every few seconds I would rub my legs together to settle the itch, or use my bouquet of flowers, that I would place over areas of my body to scratch my rash. Nothing was going to make me miss her big day.

The fire that ignited over those five days reiterated to me how unpredictable this phase of my life is and how powerless we can be as humans, when the body takes over and reacts to an external drug/substance that it doesn't want within its physiology.

Pour water over the flames, roast marshmallows over the smoking coals if you must, but trust me that fire will smoulder itself out when its ready.