Hot as Hell

I knew something was just not right, though it happened so fast I didn't have time to even appreciate the seriousness of the situation. One minute I was watching the Wimbledon Mens Semifinal and the next, I was burning up. First my cheeks, then forehead and before I knew it I had stripped off to have a cold shower to find relief. There was none and I knew where I was headed.

A few minutes later, my boyfriend asked if I wanted to go for a walk and when I replied "NO" he knew something was going on. It wasn't long before I informed him we better go to hospital. I think we were both terrified on route, without any idea what may come next.

I was febrile. I was quite certain it was febrile neutropenia. I was Day 8 in my first cycle. My immune system was fragile and vulnerable. Another one of my greatest fears. A flurry of events happened that day and night, multiple doctors who are my friends and colleagues came to see me, care for me and expedite treatment. I felt confident in their approach and safe where I was. It didn't feel good to be on the other side of this scenario. The last time I dealt with a patient who had febrile neutropenia on an ICU rotation, he died. I didn't have time to think about that experience.

You can't prepare yourself for a hospital stay. The sleep situation (or lack there of), roommates (when you should be in isolation), food (or non-food) served, rubber mattresses and general discomfort - yet, without modern medicine I could have died. The sheer gratitude I have for the very institution I want to avoid, is grand and ironic.

When I came in to hospital my white cell count was 0.64 and my neutrophils were 0.11, I basically had nothing to fight. Nothing. I felt depleted, nauseated and went from feeling as though I may catch on fire, to full blown attacks of rigors and chills. I had one of my darkest days physically, that I have ever endured. Mentally, I struggled. Yet, at the same time I felt so incredibly grateful. When my boyfriend left to go home and sleep at night I would cry, out of appreciation for the love he has toward me. How could I be so lucky. He is everything to me.

It felt like I was on deaths doorstop at one point. My temperature was 39.2, with meds on board and ice packs wrapped around my head. Despite this, I was almost convulsing to cool down involuntarily. It was scary as hell. But, I survived it and had amazing people around me. I still do.

You never know what is coming. One moment you can be watching a tennis match eating bran buds and the next, you're on the other side of your colleagues, as they enter the room with their head down in empathy ready to deliver bad news.

I've learned a lot these past few days and I know I'm not completely out of the woods yet. One thing is for sure, it does take a village and I'm here today because my village people have continued to carry me through. Thank you dear village of wonderful warriors.

#febrile #neutropenia #rigors #agranulocytosis #immunesystem #hospital #admission #grateful #leukemia #CLL