When my mom died at 15, people would say "I don't know how you can still go to school, take part in sports and still find joy. I just couldn't do it." Losing my mom was the most significant time I spent grieving in my life, as it should be.
When I was diagnosed with CLL, those around me feared what would happen to me, how I would handle the news and continue to live my active, busy lifestyle. I made adjustments and still do. I grieve a little most days. But to tell you the truth, I continue to live a very fulfilled life and a lot of that is based on making that concerted choice daily.
This week, I was set to start chemotherapy and the day prior, was told I had a lesion in my chest that could be tuberculosis. I'm certainly not a negative, pessimistic person - but this time, the battle feels like a giant hill of doom. Mentally resetting my entire mindset has been one of the greatest challenges that continually forces me to check in with myself.
My philosophy in life is that everything happens for a reason. I still believe that, though at present I struggle to intellectualize how this latest setback could be possible. I've stopped trying to find the reason behind this one because it really isn't doing me any favours.
In various conversations with my gal pals, the term "SURRENDER" has come up multiple times. Surrender to what your body needs, to give up control (hard!), to just be. Be in a position to accept and listen openly, in order to heal. Do you know how hard that is to practise in life? Its pretty difficult, especially the control part for a person like me who has worked so incredibly hard since the age of 15 when the toughest reality check hit me hard.
I write this post about surrendering, rather than looking for answers in order to become more aware of what it is I need during this time. Rather than trying to juggle everything myself, I want to let even more love and help in. I don't and won't have all the answers - maybe theres a level of comfort to be found in that sentiment if I can accept it fully.I think being able to surrender enables beautiful vulnerability and that in itself, is special.