Can I take that back?

Remember how yesterday I wrote something like..."I haven't had any meltdowns yet..."well, can I take that back? I had a meltdown. I had to go in for a scan today to the fertility centre and whilst there, with a probe all up in my woman parts, I was told "you still need more time." In my head I thought to myself - how much more time? Is someone going to actually give me more of an answer as to what is (or what isn't) going to happen? It didnt sound good.

Turns out I'm not doing a whole lot in the harvest department. I've got three follicles, maybe four containing eggs that will be ready to go in a few days - four more days to be exact. Its possible that not all of these follicles will have a viable egg, but I have to hope they do! That means three more injections, two more days off work while I wait for "triggering" to happen after I inject myself with a 3rd drug tomorrow night (the point in the process where I stop stimulating my follicles to grow with injections because there just aren't any more to stimulate. A trigger injections allow the eggs inside those follicles that have grown to mature). Its basically stopping the process and going for what we can get.

So, after being handed more drugs to get me through the next couple of nights I just started to cry. Why did I cry? I cried because I felt guilty, not because of the lack of production. I felt badly that I had to take more time off work and inconvenience my patients and practise, I felt bad for staying at a friends house another few days, I felt bad for all kinds of other people - except me. When I said that to the nurse after she looked at the tears streaming down my face and proclaimed "its ok, you're stressed. Its the hormones" I wanted to say, this is so far away from me being stressed out. This is guilt. None of what I am feeling is because of I am sad about the outcome or stressed at this moment. I thought to myself, something needs to change. All of this guilt that I experience so often needs to be dealt with on a deeper level (I feel guilt for leaving my home, I feel guilt for having cancer, guilt..guilt...guilt). Yet, so often I have talked with my patients about this very emotion.

With every step of our lives comes further learning, growth and change. I feel like these moments of recognition are a big wake up call. Like it or not, all of these setbacks, tears and questioning are certainly leading me (and my eggs) toward further enlightenment.