Liberties and Limitations

Here I am, two days after a half marathon (thats when I wrote the bulk of this post) - hobbling, exhausted from the inside out and just filled with love. Im still hobbling, because yesterday I ran a leg of the 276km of the ridiculously gruelling Cabot Trail Relay Race. I'm not sure I can put into words what the Bluenose experience meant to me, it wasn't just me signing up to run 'another half marathon' but the process itself of getting to that start line started back on February 4th has been life-changing.

The day after my diagnosis back in February, my gal pal Erika asked me if I still intended to run the Bluenose Half Marathon this year. Though at the time I couldn't move much at all without grimacing in pain because of my bone marrow biopsy and aspirate, I told her "Ofcourse, I wouldn't miss it!" She wanted us to enter a team as part of the Leukemia and Lymphoma's "Team in Training" run and together, we would gather as many individuals as we could to help fundraise and create new goals individually and collectively, as the Tenacious Titans. Well, these gals didn't mess around.

What ensued over the past three and a half months is nothing short of miraculous. Nine of us women ("sole sisters") raised over 20,000 dollars to help further research and benefit the LLSC organization as a whole, in order to contribute in finding a cure for blood related cancers. We drove people crazy with our social media posts (Sorry! I am sure we did) and we chronicled our runs every dam Saturday morning - rain, snow, sun, post-call, still on-call or fatigued. We did it because this meant the world to us. We did it because we put our hearts in a place that was not going to let us settle, or quit.

I have learned many lessons through my running since February. First, I have limitations I never had before. I have started to become breathless, fatigued and just can't run as I did before - not for as long, as fast or as often. That breaks my heart, but atleast I can still run. I am a person who has always felt limitless, with respect to my running. Even with stress fractures, muscle tears, 100km a week, I would heal and keep going. I always thought I could just keep going and train harder, fun faster. I can no longer athletically sustain anything close to what I used to and though this is hard for me to accept, I have to respect my limitations. It just plain sucks and I wish it wasn't so. But, it could always be worse.

I have quickly altered my expectations, as many of you have, when life paths change course, whether we like it or not. Most of the time I hate accepting I am not the runner I once was, I cant stay up late, but, hey, I'm still running half marathons at a pace I can certainly consider respectable and just yesterday I finished 6th place (women's rank) and 13th overall in the Cabot Trail Relay, for my respective leg. I may be bragging, but its the last race for a while and I am pretty proud of that effort. I can still do what I love, but I am starting to recognize it comes at a cost - is it worth it? The truth is, moving forward, I know it is not. I don't want to spend a day in bed, just to get a long run in. I am so used to telling athletes (when they are injured) to take it easy, they often dont listen to me, nor have they in the past. But, I am starting to appreciate that I am that athlete - who must take a break. Anyone who knows me, knows I am a stubborn, goal directed individual. Really, guys, I mean it. Ill take a break.

I woke this morning with huge, tender and incredibly palpable lymph nodes in my neck and jaw. I didn't know what was going on. I had hot, burning pain when I touched them, my ear hurt and I was nervous. This is all new to me and out of my medical training. My body is providing me signs, warning signs, to say its time to slow down. And I must, these lymph nodes aren't anything to fool around with.

With these limitations come liberties. The liberties that once wouldn't have been on the surface of my mind are now in the forefront. How lucky am I to still run with the elite, to push through pain and fatigue, while on the inside my body is crying for me to slow down? I can hear my lungs, my muscles just pleading for a reprieve.

I have to say, when I wake up in the morning, with lymph nodes that aren't tender to touch, with a body that is willing to get out of bed and seize the day ahead - a feeling of gratitude and a sense of purpose envelop me. That is liberating. I know that it is only a matter of time before these limitations stop me from doing what I love - I'm scared as heck and some days I don't want to face it, but as my limitations become increasingly prevalent, the liberties I do have make me recognize and appreciate each and every day. I hope you do too. There is so much to be grateful for.